Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Pesach Humor

From my mom who got it from my sister who got it from...

The Short Vort

Good Morning!
Today is Tuesday the 23rd of Adar 5770 and March 9, 2010

Kosher for Passover

With Hashem’s help, I am privileged to send out to my loyal readers this unique opportunity.

I am sure that many of you will take advantage of this unique offer and you will no doubt place an order for this special Pesach product today.


* Are you tired and fed up with your kids messing up your house after you already cleaned for Pesach?
* Are you about to scream when your three year old treks cheerios back into the playroom after you spent three hours cleaning it?
* Do you feel that you are fighting an impossible battle as just when you think you have finally finished cleaning the living room; your two year emerges from the room clutching a cookie in each hand?

Well, we have the answer you have been davening for!!!

From the originators of the Kosher Klock and the Kosher Krepel, we are proud to present: Kosher Kids!

That’s right, now for the first time ever in America, Krume Chumeras Incorporated is proud to present Kosher Kids!!!

It’s simple and it’s easy.

Just dial 1- 888- MESHUGA and press ‘one’ for a female operator or ‘two’ for a male operator and just say the words: “I want Kosher Kids!!!”

And we do the rest. (After you supply us with your credit card number, that is)

It’s so simple here’s how it works.

Kosher Kids will come to your house beginning this Friday and we will pack up your own kids and place them in hermetically sealed Chometz Free storage bins at our Chometz Free cold storage area for the duration of Pesach.

1) Your children will be packed away after being totally disinfected and sanitized and sterilized by our staff of competent and responsible kosher guardians.

2) All of their hair and teeth will be seared clean and their little finger nails will be cauterized and expunged from all dirt and Chometz.

3) They will then be packed away and sold with all of our Chometz to our good friend and ally Mahmoud Abbas- or as we call him Uncle Abu Mazen.

After your child has been packed safely away, we will deliver to your home a batch of clean, sterilized and best of all- B’datz Kosher L’Pesach Mehadrin Kosher Kids.

Our Kosher Kids are B’datz certified sterilized, clean, kosher children.

Here are some of the advantages of Kosher Kids:

* We guarantee that they have not been in contact with Chometz for at least thirty days.
* Our Kosher Kids have been thoroughly ‘brain-cleansed’ before we bring them to your home.
* That means you don’t have to worry about them even gravitating to the Chometz.
* These children have been raised in special Chometz Free units in Meah Shearim where they have never ‘seen’ nor ‘found’ (Bal Yiraeah U’val Yimatzeh) any Chometz their entire lives!
* These children have been programmed to seek out and destroy any Chometz which is in the Eiruv of your neighborhood.
* The children come with packets of stones which they will happily throw at anyone who brings Chometz within twenty feet of your home.

The packets of stones come in two sizes:
1) B’datz size with 1 pound rocks – able to break the skull of any person carrying Chometz.

2) Chazon Ish size with two pound boulders (please allow an extra week for delivery). These boulders are able to smash the armor of an Israeli tank – if the tank is found to be concealing Chometz.

If you don’t believe the greatness of our new product see our ‘off-line’ reviews from two of our many satisfied customers:

1) Mrs. Ima Shoteh from Ramat Beit Shemesh writes: “Thank you Krume Chumeras for making this product. It was so easy. After I realized that there was no way in the world I could possibly keep every Chumrah which I needed to keep in order that no one would ever realize that I am a Baal Teshuva, I decided to order Kosher Kids for Pesach. Am I glad I did!

It was so simple, I called, gave my credit card number and the next thing I knew, six Shtriemel wearing, striped bekishe clad,- cigarette smoking, Yiddish speaking Tzaddikim showed up at my door.

They quickly tied up my kids in cellophane wrap- which of course had the hechsher of the B’datz, and they dumped my kids in the back of truck which was being driven by a Palestinian Arab.

An hour later, three wonderful, Yiddish speaking, rock throwing, and cigarette smoking little Tzaddikim arrived at my door.

At first there was some confusion as the children kept asking where are the policemen whom they are supposed to beat up and where are the women to throw bleach on?

However, the nice man from the agency came and he quickly re-programmed them and now all is fine.

Of course when we went out on Erev Pesach to burn the Chometz, they started burning all of the garbage bins they could find and unfortunately our next door neighbor’s husband was accidentally burned up when he was returning from ‘miluim’ (army reserves) and the Kosher Kids mistook his green uniform for a green garbage bin; however, that is a small price to pay for the peace of mind of knowing that your house is Chometz Free! Thank you so much for Kosher Kids!

Mrs. Imma Shoteh, RBS

2) Mrs. Wonna B. Afrumme formerly of Passaic NJ (now in Tzfas) writes: “Thank you Kosher Kids!!! You have made my Pesach! However, if I can just suggest two things:

Last year I gave you three kids and after Pesach I only received two kids back.

Of course I know I am not allowed to complain because I know everything you do is a Kiddush Hashem and all is done with Dass Torah, however, perhaps this year you could find my child and return him?

If you can’t I understand and I will make do with whatever Hashem gives me through you.

The program works so well; perhaps you can add this year a “Kosher Husband” addition as well? I mean it would be great if I could just have my husband packed up in cellophane and sealed away until after Pesach. Please let me know.

Your trusted and trusting fan,

Mrs. Wanna B. Afrumme.

So don’t delay! This offer will not be available for much longer!

Call today at 1-888-Meshuga to order your Kosher Kids!

Remember, Kosher Kids is B’datz approved, Gedolim supported and most importantly- you will look and be looked at as really frum!

As a special one time incentive, if you order before midnight tonight you will receive a 10% coupon to try our new product The Kosher Kup!

· The Kosher Kup which is being offered for the first time in America this year- is designed to rid your ‘kup’ (head in Yiddish) of any Chometz.

· Just tell the operator when you order your Kosher Kids that Rabbi E. from The Short Vort told you to call. (If a rabbi did not tell you to call- you might be acting without Dass Torah)

· Then mention your 10% coupon- available exclusively to readers of The Short Vort – and tell the operator you also want to try The Kosher Kup!

· Our professionally trained ‘kup cleaners’ will be at your house in no time and we will ‘clean’ your head from all impurities.

· We guarantee that after just one treatment with our professional ‘kup cleaners’ you will have nothing but fresh air from ear to ear!

· Think of how beneficial that will be:

i. No more having to make decisions on your own. We will control all of your thoughts.

ii. Your mind will be free of disturbing and distracting thoughts as your mind will be empty!

iii. Everything you think, say and write will be directed by our team of competent and recognized G’dolei Yisroel!

iv. Your life will be manageable as you will become a robotic thing who no longer thinks on their own.

v. You will be free of having any opinions- we will control and dictate all of your thoughts and actions.

vi. All of this and more for a one time fee of $19, 999.00

Don’t Delay call before Midnight tonight!









No comments: